Impressing with Shakespeare

So you've got a new girlfriend. She's great, she even likes football. Or maybe she's just so nice, that she pretends she does. Lucky you.

Somewhere along the line you promised that you would go to the theatre with her. Wow, you must be smitten. Oh, god, you think, Shakespeare is a memory as distant as school uniforms and acne.

The aim of the game is to first establish the baddies. Thrill her with your knowledge of the plot line by judging the characters by their costumes.

In Shakespeare, these are usually presented in long black cloaks and generally cause undue pain and suffering to all concerned. It's not unusual for their stage entrance to be accompanied by a roll of thunder or dimmed lighting just to emphasise the point.

Unlike a panto, there is no need to boo at this point. Repeat – do not boo. Resist the urge to shout 'he's behind you' as the OAP sitting in front of you and your new lovely girlfriend are unlikely to appreciate it.

Really bad baddies are usually kings who have blagged their way in by killing-off everyone else. Mental note: they are not cool, they are mean, very very mean.

Shakespeare's good guys are a bit crap really, posh boy prince Charmings who get the girls because they never fart or burp and keep witchcraft and murder to a minimum. They're usually loaded and most of them propose after the first date – definitely not commitment phobes and take note that your girlfriend will probably love them for this exact reason.

Women in Shakespeare are a mixed bunch. There are the ones who are generally a bit pissed off that they never get any money, power or respect and a good 5 mins of primetime is usually given to them for them to take centre stage and whinge ( Try not to yawn during this bit, your girlfriend will not be impressed).

Then there are the ones who are so decidedly naïve that they get screwed by the baddies and end up killing themselves in a highly melodramatic fashion. Again, fain empathy. They've got a rough deal really. More interesting perhaps is the penchant for cross-dressing a lot of them have, but in the end they always revert back to the pouting princess so they can get laid.

Just remember, it's all about love and death with lots and lots of sex. If it's a comedy, love wins. If it's a tragedy, death is everywhere. Sad but true. Go along and fain interest. You never know you might like it, and you'll be in her good books forever.

Surprise her by taking her to:
London: Shakespeare's Globe 0207 902 1400
Manchester: Palace Theatre 0161 245 6600
Birmingham: Hippodrome 0844 338 5000
Leeds: Grand Theatre 0113 222 6222
Sheffield: Crucible 0114 249 6000
Liverpool: Everyman & Playhouse 0151 708 3700
Bath: Theatre Royal 01225 448 844
Bristol: Shakespeare Festival on now
Nottingham: Playhouse 0115 941 9419
Edinburgh: Festival Theatre 0131 529 6000
Glasgow: Kings Theatre 0141 240 1111
Cardiff: New Theatre 0292 087 8889
Brighton: Theatre Royal 01273 764400

SR

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