How to get your meal for free
‘The best things in life are free’, sang Janet Jackson and Luther Vandross. And who are we to argue with someone who has the word ‘dross’ in their surname? Here, then, are Itchy’s tips for getting your meal for free when dining out:
Spend a little ... live a lot – Right now at your local branches of Nandos (Bristol: Park Street, Cribbs Causeway Aspects Leisure Park and Cardiff: Old Brewery Quarter), with an exclusive Itchy offer, you can buy one meal and get another one absolutely free. Ok, so this isn't free in the strictest sense of the world but you're still getting something for nothing, which can't be a bad thing now, can it? Rally your friends, lick your fingers and starting indulging here.
Take offence – What do they mean they’re a steak restaurant? You’re a vegetarian, goddammit, and the very presence of a piece of meat on your plate constitutes a grave slur against your lifestyle. Though a free meal might stop you calling your animal rights activist mates.
Spot a ‘rodent’ – Bag yourself some form of wind-up animal toy, and unleash it across the floor of your restaurant. As soon as you release, leap up screaming ‘Mouse! Mouse!’ in the most hysterical voice you can manage. Have an accomplice waiting to retrieve the toy in the confusion, and they’ll have to let you off paying to make it up to you.
Make up a stupid food allergy – Food allergies are all the rage nowadays; you can get away with pretending you’re allergic to pretty much anything. Make up an allergy to something suitably ludicrous, then nip to the toilets, inflate a balloon, stuff it down the neck of your top, and draw on your face with red felt tip. Hey presto: instant swollen throat and rash. They’re bound to give you a freebie after doing all that to poor old you.
Fake narcolepsy – Every time the waiter attempts to present you with the bill, pretend to drop off. No way can they charge you if they can’t rouse you. Sooner or later they’ll give up and carry you out onto the street, where you can sneak away with a belly as full as your wallet.
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