Dawn of the Dead

In all the chaos surrounding a zombie holocaust, at least in Edinburgh the epicentre would be clear.

Loathed by residents and known nationwide for being hideously incongruous, Edinburgh University's Appleton Tower would attain a different kind of notoriety once the super-intelligent monkeys purportedly kept on the top floor break loose and start to spread their simian rage. Presumably Itchy will be in the nearby Nile Café, unprepared, and sodden with tasty North African falafels. And possibly a little drunk.

Common sense dictates that Edinburgh Castle would probably be the safest place of refuge. Since 2005 the Castle Guards have been absent from the Castle gates, so entrance would be unimpeded and the famous Scottish Crown Jewels ripe for looting. The surrounding Old Town district was designed with the repelling of hordes of invaders in mind, so if you can make it into the castle and wait for the Americans to sort everything out, safety is virtually guaranteed.

If fighting your way through the zombie apocalypse is your preferred option, however, then weapons aplenty will be required. Swing by the Scotch Whisky Experience to gather the necessary ingredients to cook up some devastating Molotov cocktails. Better yet, head to the Craigmillar Park Golf Club for an ideal zombie-slaying experience. Golf clubs are well-suited melee weapons for fending off the ungrateful dead, and the surrounding green expanse means that whether they're running or shuffling, you'll see them coming a mile off.

The meeker portion of Edinburgh's populace, Itchy among them, will no doubt prefer evasion and survival. Avoid under all circumstances Edinburgh Zoo and Deep Sea World. Assuming the animals aren't all zombified, they're undoubtedly escaped and roaming the nearby streets. Stock up on supplies from the ubiquitous Co-op outlets, and loot socialist bookshop Word Power Books on West Nicholson Street for guidelines on how to rebuild a fairer, more tolerant society that won't be stupid enough to fuck with super-intelligent monkeys.

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