New to Edinburgh
So, newcomer, you're not from round here, eh? We could spot you a mile off. It's your lack of near-translucent pastiness and your air of optimism that gave you away.
Finding yourself lost in Edinburgh's windy closes? Wondering who the hell these 'Ken' and 'Barry' characters are? Not to worry – read on and we'll have you living like a cheapskate local in no time.
First things first – let's get you kitted out. Old Town's vintage shops are the saviour of many a skint newcomer. By far the best are the labyrinthine Armstrong's on the Grassmarket and The Rusty Zip on Teviot Place. Behold, your new source of once-extortionate cashmere, retro tracksuit tops and comfortably worn-in Levis for a tenner a pop.
The same rule applies to books, so be sure to hit up the rash of second hand bookshops on West Port, like Armchair Books and Edinburgh Books.
Next up, nourishment. If you haven't been to the Mosque Kitchen on West Nicolson Street yet, you're in for a treat. Three quid for a curry out the back door of a mosque may not sound overly glamorous but the grub is better than you'll get for five times the price anywhere else.
If you're aiming to impress, lunch at The Outsider on George IV Bridge offers swanky mains in a trendy atmosphere for not much more than a fiver – it feels like cheating.
Now, no doubt you'll have had the usual onslaught of promo crap from the city's lowest common denominator clubs and bars. Yes, they're cheap but they hold little appeal unless you enjoy drinking blue alcopops and contracting STDs to a soundtrack of Soulja Boy.
If it's low-cost fun you're after, look no further than the ECA's Wee Red Bar. The most dangerous misconception about Edinburgh nightlife is that you need to go to George Street for anything class – not true. Both the GRV on Guthrie Street and the effortlessly cool Under The Stairs offer tasteful, sneakily concealed dancing or drinking for the discerning local. Somehow exclusive and welcoming.
Soon enough you'll be swaggering around with so much of that 'been there, done that' local savvy that you'll needing a quick change of scene, if only to keep up the pretence of knowing Edinburgh inside out. Since the whole Portobello thing's played out, hop on a train and suck up the authentic seaside charm of North Berwick. Alternatively, head out to the wilderness of the Pentland Hills for some proper Scottish landscapes and that feeling of being an extra in Braveheart. Best leave the broadsword at home, though.

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