Eros/Elite

Saturday night at home with Matthew Kelly and a family pack of Doritos is far more appealing than spending an evening fighting your way through hordes of today's yoof dressed head–to–toe in Topman/shop and tanked up on alcopops. This club is big, with a capacity of 2100 spread over two dance floors –there is scope for improvement here but it fails to deliver. Although the nights vary with regard to music policy and entry fees the only consistent factor throughout is that the drinks are served lukewarm by grouchy staff and the overall vibe is so bad it hurts. Perfect if you're 30 going on 16 and up for a fumble with a pre–pubescent lad soaked in his dad's aftershave.

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